Well, that house is gone, and the way I thought life was going to go is gone with it. Oh well, that's life, right? Problem is, now my life doesn't really make sense. I'm praying and dreaming and saving (honest moment time: I blew more money this month because I was more upset about this than I care to admit and thought, "what the heck? We're not buying a house anyway.") and keeping on...but I just don't have the faintest idea about what's next.
I want to buy a house, but we won't have the money now for another year or two, unless a great deal like that one comes again. I want to move back, but maybe that's not what God has in store. I want to be a photographer, but my confidence in my abilities is dwindling and dragging my motivation down with it.
Good news is, these are all wants, for now.
I confess, though, that I'm afraid. What happens when want becomes need. Especially with regards to housing (no, I'm not banking on our current situation lasting forever, and moreover I don't want it to). What happens when my dad retires and my husband is out of a well-paying job (sure would be nice to have some sort of income, wouldn't it? And I certainly wasn't making enough to support us at Starbucks)?
"Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."
Luke 12:22-31
Ahhhhhh, God, help. I'm such a mess, and so faithless. Help me not to fear or worry.
And I confess that, as afraid as I am of being homeless and jobless, I'm even more afraid of what even those closest to me will think of me then.
Help help help.
